Moving again Sunday, Aug 5 2012 

Of all the things I have done and accomplished, of all the goals I have set and met, of all the hats I have worn the thing that I am the proudest of is my son.  He is the light of my life, my pride and joy, the reason I open my eyes in the morning and commit to fighting another day in the life of me.  He turned 4 this spring which means come next fall (august 2013) my precious baby will be starting kindergarten.  This thought alone sends me into a cannot breath, elephant on my chest, full-scale panic attack.  (This is because of many many reasons which I will expound upon in future blogs).

One of the most practical anxieties associated with this is which school district we currently live in.  Now, I am a pretty open-minded, accepting, non-judgemental, non-elitist type person.  I make no pretenses of being better than anybody, I put my pants on one leg at a time the same as the next guy.  However, this being said my son will NOT go to the public schools in this district, not happening. At all.  Private schools in this area? Absolutely, that would be great IF I could afford any of them.  (I am positive this will be a topic of many many blogs, I have not completed my undergrad degree yet and time are rough, however I am old enough that people I graduated with from high school are already practicing lawyers and doctors…yes, it is a touchy subject).  There is a school district that I want my son in with in 30 miles of the current place we live and  my family is all from that area.  It is a place where I would love to live and in my opinion a wonderful community to raise a family.  My husband and I both have to find jobs there and place to live.  In fact he is currently going through a treatment program (and more things I will be getting into in future blogs) so there is a hold up before the search can continue.

I know there are people saying, well get him in a private school in your area to begin with then move to the place where the schools are good, no biggie.  And if you are thinking this you are right but here is why I can’t get my head there myself…

I changed schools 11 times before I started 5th grade.  I had to be the new kid 11 times.  11.

It was really hard. I do a good job of  putting a positive spin to it and over the years I have done a decent job of re-assuring my mother that I actually enjoyed it because I got to meet new people and diversify my cultural experience and out look on life.  I would never do anything to cause my mother any guilt or remorse so this is something I feel I must protect her from.  It really hurt having to change school so much.  I know there are many people who have changed schools a lot more, I know there are kids who have parents in the military who change every year.  This was not my reason.  My parents divorced and since my mother married a much older man when she was a teenager, she felt she needed to take a stand of independence from my very involved and enmeshed grandparents and move us several states away.  My mother had a high school diploma, a 6 six-year-old daughter and was recently divorced from an alcoholic abusive husband and had been a house wife for the past ten years, times were hard so we moved, a lot (obviously).

I walked into new schools, new class rooms, new playgrounds one too many times.  I felt insecure, unwanted and never felt like I fit in anywhere.  Sometimes I would shy away from making close friends because I knew the inevitable next move would be coming soon.  Of course those around did not know this.  I had long since perfected the art of a big  smile and a funny story.

There was one family that my mother and I kept in contact with over the miles and years.   This family had children my age and their oldest daughter is still one of my life long friends.  I was able to watch her grow up in the same house, community,  and school.  I was able to watch her spend her high school years with people she had literally known since kindergarten.  I would visit often and since she went to a very small school (I attended there one year myself) all of her friends counted themselves as my friends.  Everyone would want to hear about all the places I have lived and all the different people I met.

By middle school we were at a place where I would graduate high school from.  This place is the biggest “city” in the area for probably 100 miles.  To these kids and teenagers from this very small area (their graduating class was the biggest in 30 years…a grand total of 36) where I lived was huge ( my graduating class had over 300).  I,of course, played up everything and was very entrenched in my bigger than life personality.  I talked about our wild parties and told all of the great stories and the coolness of living in such a big area and knowing so many people.  They probably all thought I looked down my nose on their small time stuff.  In reality I would cry on my drives back home and would have given anything to still have been a part of that class and school.  Sure, I made some really great friends in my new school and because I was there from middle school to high school it felt like I had grown up there but on the inside I still felt like I was playing catch up. That I was still an outsider.  I have felt this way all of my adult life as well.

This is the reason I promised myself when I was a kid that no matter what I had to do, my child(ren) would not have to change schools unless absolutely necessary.  I want to give my baby the stability I never had.  I want him to graduate with the friends he made in kindergarten.  I never want him to know what it feels like to walk into a new school and be scared senseless that absolutely nobody will want to play with him or want to be his friend.  I never want him to have to pretend that everything is wonderful when all he really wants to do is curl into a ball and cry.

I will do everything I can to get moved into this school district before this time next year and I will do everything in my power to stay in this area at least until he graduates.  To a lot of people this seems a senseless thing to worry about but from the kid who cried herself to sleep many nights so that she could walk into that new classroom with her head held high and a big smile on her face to try to win over acceptance and approval this makes perfect sense and is a completely valid worry.


Getting Started Saturday, Aug 4 2012 

I can’t remember a time when I did not have co-dependent tendencies, even in childhood.  Everyone around me had to be okay in order for me to be okay.  If my Mama, Granny, Grandmother, best friend, school teacher, uncles, aunts, next door neighbors (ya get the idea) was upset it was my fault somehow and my job to fix it.  I, of course, did not know what co-dependency was when I was a child and I honestly did not even realize that is was not normal, say nothing to unhealthy, until I was a young adult.

Needless to say I have had some serious issues about lots of things.  I felt responsible for everyone around me.  I felt like I was to blame when something went wrong.  It has been a recipe for disaster regarding my self esteem but I could not show that to anyone because it may upset them.  I had to be all smiles, all the time.

I found that by having a bigger than life personality, by being outgoing and “the life of the party” that I could hide my depression, self-esteem issues and a large number of other things.  Even now as an adult I still do these things.  I don’t even think about it, I just do it. Nobody knows any of this, even those closest to me.  I am planning on being completely honest with myself in this blog.  I am hoping that this can be a release for me in ways that I have never had.  Even when I have slipped off to therapy to try to get help I have put on that smile and act for the therapist.

I honestly don’t know who will read this or if anyone will.  I don’t know if this will be a jumping board to actually writing a book about my life and my experiences.  I feel like I have had some pretty meaningful stuff happen that people can relate to on some real levels, so I guess we will see.  It is my hope that I can remain fairly anonymous with my personal identity not just for myself but for those who are in life, who have been in my life and who will be central characters in my writings because I plan to write about my life.   If anyone does read this and can relate to what I’m writing, please strike up a conversation with me…if anyone reads this and wants to know more about a particular occurrence then ask.  A big heads up, I rely on spell check big time so if you are a big stickler for grammar and you see mistakes please let me know because I am always trying to improve.

New to Word Press Thursday, Aug 2 2012 

So this is my first post, I have been told by many that I should start writing a book.  It’s a thought toyed with for a while.  Also I need a place to share my ideas and opinions and if I am ever going to seriously write I need to cultivate my voice.

I figured the best way to start all of this is to just jump right in and get myself a blog.  So here we are.

Hello world! Wednesday, Jul 18 2012 

Welcome to! This is your very first post. Click the Edit link to modify or delete it, or start a new post. If you like, use this post to tell readers why you started this blog and what you plan to do with it.

Happy blogging!