Of all the things I have done and accomplished, of all the goals I have set and met, of all the hats I have worn the thing that I am the proudest of is my son. He is the light of my life, my pride and joy, the reason I open my eyes in the morning and commit to fighting another day in the life of me. He turned 4 this spring which means come next fall (august 2013) my precious baby will be starting kindergarten. This thought alone sends me into a cannot breath, elephant on my chest, full-scale panic attack. (This is because of many many reasons which I will expound upon in future blogs).
One of the most practical anxieties associated with this is which school district we currently live in. Now, I am a pretty open-minded, accepting, non-judgemental, non-elitist type person. I make no pretenses of being better than anybody, I put my pants on one leg at a time the same as the next guy. However, this being said my son will NOT go to the public schools in this district, not happening. At all. Private schools in this area? Absolutely, that would be great IF I could afford any of them. (I am positive this will be a topic of many many blogs, I have not completed my undergrad degree yet and time are rough, however I am old enough that people I graduated with from high school are already practicing lawyers and doctors…yes, it is a touchy subject). There is a school district that I want my son in with in 30 miles of the current place we live and my family is all from that area. It is a place where I would love to live and in my opinion a wonderful community to raise a family. My husband and I both have to find jobs there and place to live. In fact he is currently going through a treatment program (and more things I will be getting into in future blogs) so there is a hold up before the search can continue.
I know there are people saying, well get him in a private school in your area to begin with then move to the place where the schools are good, no biggie. And if you are thinking this you are right but here is why I can’t get my head there myself…
I changed schools 11 times before I started 5th grade. I had to be the new kid 11 times. 11.
It was really hard. I do a good job of putting a positive spin to it and over the years I have done a decent job of re-assuring my mother that I actually enjoyed it because I got to meet new people and diversify my cultural experience and out look on life. I would never do anything to cause my mother any guilt or remorse so this is something I feel I must protect her from. It really hurt having to change school so much. I know there are many people who have changed schools a lot more, I know there are kids who have parents in the military who change every year. This was not my reason. My parents divorced and since my mother married a much older man when she was a teenager, she felt she needed to take a stand of independence from my very involved and enmeshed grandparents and move us several states away. My mother had a high school diploma, a 6 six-year-old daughter and was recently divorced from an alcoholic abusive husband and had been a house wife for the past ten years, times were hard so we moved, a lot (obviously).
I walked into new schools, new class rooms, new playgrounds one too many times. I felt insecure, unwanted and never felt like I fit in anywhere. Sometimes I would shy away from making close friends because I knew the inevitable next move would be coming soon. Of course those around did not know this. I had long since perfected the art of a big smile and a funny story.
There was one family that my mother and I kept in contact with over the miles and years. This family had children my age and their oldest daughter is still one of my life long friends. I was able to watch her grow up in the same house, community, and school. I was able to watch her spend her high school years with people she had literally known since kindergarten. I would visit often and since she went to a very small school (I attended there one year myself) all of her friends counted themselves as my friends. Everyone would want to hear about all the places I have lived and all the different people I met.
By middle school we were at a place where I would graduate high school from. This place is the biggest “city” in the area for probably 100 miles. To these kids and teenagers from this very small area (their graduating class was the biggest in 30 years…a grand total of 36) where I lived was huge ( my graduating class had over 300). I,of course, played up everything and was very entrenched in my bigger than life personality. I talked about our wild parties and told all of the great stories and the coolness of living in such a big area and knowing so many people. They probably all thought I looked down my nose on their small time stuff. In reality I would cry on my drives back home and would have given anything to still have been a part of that class and school. Sure, I made some really great friends in my new school and because I was there from middle school to high school it felt like I had grown up there but on the inside I still felt like I was playing catch up. That I was still an outsider. I have felt this way all of my adult life as well.
This is the reason I promised myself when I was a kid that no matter what I had to do, my child(ren) would not have to change schools unless absolutely necessary. I want to give my baby the stability I never had. I want him to graduate with the friends he made in kindergarten. I never want him to know what it feels like to walk into a new school and be scared senseless that absolutely nobody will want to play with him or want to be his friend. I never want him to have to pretend that everything is wonderful when all he really wants to do is curl into a ball and cry.
I will do everything I can to get moved into this school district before this time next year and I will do everything in my power to stay in this area at least until he graduates. To a lot of people this seems a senseless thing to worry about but from the kid who cried herself to sleep many nights so that she could walk into that new classroom with her head held high and a big smile on her face to try to win over acceptance and approval this makes perfect sense and is a completely valid worry.
southernmama23 